BBQs with Asshats

I am here in the midst of preparing for BBQing with my husband and he is ranting & raving and having a bad day. Reminding me how I have too much stuff & how the reality is that I'm never gonna finish any of it. Of how I just need to get rid of it because what I want to do with the stuff just doesn't make any sense anyways.

Ya know what, get outta the kitchen. Just go outside. Go away. Now.

He is on a nicotine withdrawal and feeling pissy so naturally he wants to blow steam off on me. Off he goes outside to tend to the fire pit. I have busied myself in the house doing all that I can think of to *not* go outside. I wait, and cringe, knowing he will be in shortly with more groaning & moaning about something totally different.

I'm having flashbacks of growing up with my dad-Mr BBQ fight himself-who would do the same thing to my mom & us kids. 

"What are you thinking? Why can't you ___? Why didn't you ___? How long does it take to do ___ or ___? Didn't I tell you to ___? I don't even wanna hear it, just shut up. Never mind. I don't know why I always have to do this by myself. Why is no one ever out here with me?"

That is what I flash to & what makes me cry now. (remember to breathe) It's sad the things that we remember in the midst of things that are supposed to be so pleasantly memorable.

Just go away. All the thoughts that are not worth remembering. There is no lesson to be learned here. This is not something that I will grow from or that will help make me stronger.
Go away.
Now.

My 34th *2008*

*originally posted September 2008*

I wrote part of this the other day because I got my birthday card in the mail and I almost started to cry. Why does everything revlove around a Number? Your age. Your weight. Your height. Really, does it matter? I would normally think 'No' but aparently, it does. I've had an issue with birthdays ever since I turned 30(so, so, so long ago...winkwink ) and I have an issue of weighing more than my husband.

09-18-08
Birthdays are starting to not matter to me anymore.... or so I once thought. I got a card from my grandpa today. My favorite grandpa. My favorite relative next to my uncle, actually. In reality, the card is from my grandpa’s girlfriend. She remembers everything. My grandpa is suffering from Parkinson’s so there's a lot that C. does for him.
I miss the times when *he* would send me cards. I miss those cards. ~~mind wandering~~I wonder if I still have some somewhere. I hope I have at least one card. He used to write notes to me. Just short ones. And it was always signed by him. Now, C. signs it for the both of them. Don’t get me wrong...I love that she cares and that she remembers and I really do appreciate that. But I also love the cards from just him.

My other problem is that it seems that my birthday always gets screwed up somehow with my husband. I know he forgets his own but how many do I have to go thru before I just scream? It’s just not worth it anymore.
Valentine’s doesn't matter (one of which he totally forgot even came and the rest...just went). Mother’s Day hasn't mattered, except now, Heiffer is now 7 and with her imagination, my gifts are really sweet! :) . Christmas wouldn't matter either...if we didn't have kids and that’s sad because I really love the holidays.
I love the Fall. My favorite time of year. New Year’s is another 'holiday'. My husband (Flip) and I have been together for over 8 years now and there is not a single time when he has stayed up with me to ring in the New Year. Unfortunately, the kids aren't old enough to stay up that late yet. Heiffer starts dropping between 10-11 and now Doodlebug is barely over the age of 1 so she really doesn't even care yet.

Will my outlook change? Will it get easier to accept the fact my grandpa isn't the one to pick the cards out anymore? The bonus is that Flip was a Scrooge when we first got together and over the years he's gotten better. I guess, at this rate, we will enjoy every holiday together by the time I'm 80. Hopefully I'll live to see it.
All I can hope is that Heiffer and Doodlebug will carry on the love for the holidays, yet not get wrapped up in the mess of *things* that come with them and that they will cherish their families and their Numbers in life.
And their birthdays, because to me, they are special.

Hide & Seek with my mind *2008*

*originally posted TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 23, 2008*

I swear, sometimes I think I've lost it!

My mom is close to losing it so it only seems right, being the oldest of 3, that I am next in line. I mess with my mom sometimes. OK. I mess with her all the time. She will be off in her own little world (for a really long time) and the whole world has faded...then she hears me somewhere in the distance...
"Mom.....Mooommm......Mother!......Earth calling Pluto!"
She laughs and tells me to stop saying that. But really Mom, it's the only way to get your attention half the time. Has she lost it? No more than the rest of us(i hope). She just had 2-million things going on at once and only has the ability to successfully take care of one thing at a time.

Me too. Seriously, I have to write down Everything! My problem...I have too many lists all over the house with things I'm supposed to remember to do or take care of or whatever. You would think that since I do have this problem that I would designate one *Special Spot* for my notes to be for when I need them. Well, wouldn't that make sense!

I can't multi-task to save my life. What a train wreck that is! Oh sure, lemme try it. I promise you will die of laughter and whatever I was supposed to do will only be half-assed.
I used to hate it when my dad would say that to me. He used to tell me I always did things half-assed. Well, he was right and now I know why! I can't multi-task. He also told me (and still does) that I am just like my mom. I'm good with that.

I like that I can be so much like someone who strives to always do what is best and what is right. Someone who is funny and fun to be around. Someone who always tries to find the good in people and be the nice and extra-caring person. Someone who put all others before herself. I'm glad I'm like my mom. Everybody should be more like my mom. I would probably like more people if they were like her. My husband, who doesn't care for many, would probably like someone. :)

My fave: that my mom gets so giggly about something and laughing so good that she can't finish her story in anytihng other than random high-pitched squeaks. She snorts and cries when she laughs. Me too. ;)
I guess I will just have to deal with losing it. In the meantime, I will continue to write everything down
or... forget it.
Whatever happens first, I guess!

I don't care for Salt Lake City *2008*

*originally posted WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 24, 2008*

Last night Flip told me (and I NEVER thought he would EVER say this) that he misses Salt Lake City. Aaaahhh!
1. Flip is NOT from there! He is from Dallas. As in Texas. Where people nod to you.
2. My family moved there because of my dad's job. I am NOT from there! I am from Oregon.
I miss Oregon. So pretty. I love the smell of the fresh air, especially after it rains. If they could bottle it, I'd have to buy stock in it! Texas is great but it smells like dirt when it rains.

SLC, Utah
Flip clarified that he misses the weather there. He says it was nice. There actually seemed to be seasons in SLC and the summers, altho hot, were not scorching like they are here. If you don't believe there is a Hell, come to Texas in mid-summer....you will start to rethink things! Texas would be where the Devil would go for vacation, if that were remotely possible.

One of my favorite things about living back in TX is the people. There is a general hospitality and simple courtesy here that is so nice. People actually talk to you here, even tho they don't know you! It's amazing! I'm sure they do in a lot of other southern towns but I haven't been to those yet.

I remember one time with my brother, we were on a road trip and there was a guy in front of us on the highway (2-laner) going slower than we wanted to. He kept driving but veered off to the side of the road so we could pass. Freaked my brother out. He had never seen that before and hasn't seen it anywhere else. He thought that was pretty cool.

SLC IS NOT like that! If you are not Mormon (a blind-deaf-mute Mormon can tell you're not Mormon) you don't fit in. They will not talk to you. Believe it or not, they won't hire you. Flip had gone on a job interview and they actually asked him (out loud) if he was or not. He didn't even get a phone call to say he wasn't hired.

SLC is surrounded by mountains. I do mean surrounded! Even the mountain passes are so narrow you'd think you were walking trails in the Grand Canyon. The feeling there is dreary, like it's impossible to get out. Like a fly floating in a soup bowl...try, try, try, drown. They suck at their grid-map street system and their driving and their hospitality. You can forget about eye contact. One thing they are good at is pretending (and believing) you don't exist. I dreaded just going to the corner store for milk. My sister (29) and my brother (28) both hate it there for the same reasons I do, but they won't leave because my parents are there.

Friends in SL? Two...and they were the neighbors next to us and across the street. They also weren't practicing Mormons. One was raised as such and couldn't stand the people herself. Go figure. Flip had two friends at work. One Mormon but also understanding that not everyone is the same and one wasn't.
SLC doesn't make you feel warm-n-fuzzy & come to find out, that's another thing Flip liked and misses about it! I find that very funny. The one thing he complained about on a daily basis is one of the things he misses. Doesn't it just figure.

Phillip doesn't really care for people. No certain type, just people in general. Too many useless ones and they take up his oxygen. He liked the fact that SLC people are rude and point blank. Most people don't like that. Flip does because he is one of those people. Brutally honest. His thought is if you don't want the truth you shouldn't ask him the question. I once asked him if he thought a certain pair of pants made my butt look big and without hesitation he said Yes. I was mortified! He was honest and I was dumb enough to ask. I've never asked him that since.

Texans are different. They are so-so-so nice to you to your face but some of them will stab you if you turn your back. Flip can't deal with those people. He is finding it difficult to deal with those types and still be professional. He has his business (http://www.northtexaspainters.com/) and altho he does AWESOME work, he needs the honesty with the work he does. He yearns for it I guess you could say. Frankly, he doesn't see why more people can't be brutally honest.

I try to tell him not everyone can be like him. Not everyone has an On-Off switch. Not everyone sees things only in black and white. For him there is no gray margin for excuses or otherwise. He is a 'Yes' or 'No' kinda guy. Most other people are 'Maybe' kinda people. You would think after this long of us being together that he would know this to be true. He married a 'Maybe' kinda person. But in business, there is no room for 'maybe.'

He doesn't regret moving back here to the Dallas area. I guess he would've just liked to have brought some of the SLC people here. Wouldn't that blow! I need happy. I need smiles and sunshine and strangers to talk to. I don't like stand-offish people and that is my feeling of Utans (quite fitting: my brother calls them U-tards).

I Don't....

like zucchini or squash or yams even tho my mom say I would if I just try them. I have. Still gross!
eat soggy cereal or soggy-squishy-feely foods like in number 1.
care for Salt Lake City
have blonde hair
like fruit punch
like sugar in anything I drink, and Yes that means coffee, tea and Kool-aid!
like the sound or the feel of a nail file...on me or anyone else for that matter.
like it when your pencil has no earaser and you try to erase anyway and the metal scrapes.
like to file papers.
like people who stop completely in order to turn while driving.
understand why Phillip won't finish the last bite of a Snickers or the last swallow of soda.
know why Texans say "You-ston" instead of "Houston."
understand why Peanut still (at 14mths old) isn't sleeping thru the night.
like to fold or put away clothes, but I will...eventually.
like to dust or empty the dishwasher, but I do anyway.
go #2 with Phillip anywhere near the bathroom.
like math of any kind.
like syrup on my pancakes or waffles.
really care much for ketchup.
like cherry flavored medicine.
like the placement of the lightswitches in the house.
like Jelly watching The Simpsons or Family Guy.
like the Telletubbies or Calliou (cartoons for kidlets)
much care for spicy food.
like having to sweep the floors every 5 minutes because of the mass amounts of doghair.
like dog hair on Everything.
like cleaning out the catbox since Jelly doesn't do it right.
like that Jelly thinks she is "too old to be tucked in at night."
really care for talking on the phone.
eat bananas if they have brown spots on the peel. Refer back to #2.
like dates or figs or anything with them in it, even tho mom tells me they're soooo good!
like walnuts....all all!
vote.
do mornings or wake up happy, ever!
have a green thumb, but I try.
understand how it is that your head can hold that much snot when your sick.
like that Jelly is obsessed with boys at age 7.
like that my breasts didn't go back down to 'normal' cup size after Peanut was born like they did after Jelly.
eat red apples...or yellow ones.
think I'll ever forget the rotten cabbage and warm poo smell in Korea. Unfortunately.
think I could tolerate anyone other than my husband.
like that my sister has 3 kids and goes to the club as often as she does.
know what I'd do if I didn't know my friend, 'Anais.'
go a day (a moment really) without coffee! EVER!!

Gregory House, M.D.

Gregory House, M.D.

(Hugh Laurie)

I found myself doing a countdown. I was counting the days until the new season of House started. Just the thought of the show coming back on put a smile on my face. Now that it is back on, I look forward to every Tuesday (my favorite day anyway). DO NOT bug me when the show is on. I will lose it! Am I obsessed? It depends on how you look at it.

You have to have a certain appreciation for sarcastic people. A Love, if you will. I think my love for the show has a lot to do with the humor and bold sarcasm of the character. House is extremly great at what he does and point-blank. If only all people could be like that.

Everybody is so worried about how the other person will take it if you are a little more outspoken. Is being outspoken really that bad? It must be, because outspoken is something I am not. It is unfortunate.

I wish I could be an ass sometimes. I wish I could tell people what I think and not give a care as to how they would react. House is a complete ass. Maybe that is part of my love for the show. Of course, if you dig deep enough into that hard-core surface there is a soft spot...or two.

If my husband were most like anyone in show business, it would be House! I see a lot of my husband in this character so maybe I am obsesssed.

The same things that made me fall in love with him and the same things that irritate me about my husband are what I find attractive in this character. One of Phillip's greatest feats: that no matter the situation, he can always make me laugh. I do love that!

My next countdown? CSI!

originally posted October 2008

2008 Fall Festival at the Dallas Arboretum

Since we've been back in the Dallas area, I am determined to get out and do more. Phillip is getting better at wanting to do this as well so it no longer feels like I am pulling teeth to go on a family outing. He wants the girls to remember the things we did as a family. Something he never really had growing up.

In wanting to get out and do, we went to the Arboretum. Something I never would've thought of before if it wasn't for Anais.

Right now they have the Great Pumpkin Festival going on. Pretty fall colors (odd for north Texas) and hay bales and pumpkins galore!! There were pumpkin shapes I had never seen before. Everything was so pretty. When you log onto the website(http://www.dallasarboretum.org/) you get a glimpse of what they have but it doesn't compare to seeing it in person. So beautiful! 

They had a hay bale maze and a 15' Pumpkin house. The walkways were lined on with pumpkins and there was a big area you could let the kids run and try to get that 'perfect fall picture.' The Arboretum is right on White Rock Lake and when you are standing on the hill looking down towards the concert stage area (they were playing beautiful piano music the day we went) the lake is in the background. It was full of sailboats. Another lovely site. Normally it is scorching hot here all the time but we've been lucky enough to experience some really great cool fall days lately with just enough of a breeze that it made for a perfect day.

I love taking pictures of the girls so this was a ton of fun for me. I amthe 'picture-taker.' Hardly ever will you see me in a picture but I do have loads of Phillip and the girls. I got over 60 pictures, 4 videos and about a dozen pics of just scenery. I am only in 5 of those pictures.

I am really looking forward to Holiday at the Arboretum featuring The Nutcracker display. It starts November 22.

I love the fall!

originally posted October 2008

Oh for the love of candy!

Trick-or-Treat!

This year Hailey was a model. It is the same costume as last year when she was an actress...minus the shawl and the trophy...add the sway when she walks and the 7 y/o model attitude and all the glitter a girl can wear! We've been watching America's Next Top Model lately and she's really getting into it! I'm sure that was her inspiration.
Peyton was a cat. The only thing she can do on command is meow. I couldn't get her to say 'boo' or anything that resembled 'trick-or-treat.' Altho she didn't meow for a single person until we were walking away and they were well out of earshot. So much for the countless hours of practice with her.
Once Peyton realized that people were willingly putting candy in her bucket or even letting her get her own, she was running to the next spot. Next year will be spent with Phillip and I at full speed, I'm sure. At one point Peyton was getting tired and her little bucket was dragging behind her so I started putting a majority of the candy in Hailey's bucket so Hailey could take the lesser of the two and continue while Phillip carried the full bucket....Peyton was not having it! She actually starting yelling "Mine! Mine!" Too cute.
She earned it, therefore she was keeping it!

Off the track of childlike joy...Phillip and I got to talking on the way home and to the both of us, it just seems weird to go trick-or-treating. Here I am, taking my kids to stranger's houses and telling them that it's okay to ask for candy...even tho they can't eat it until we get home b/c I have to check it to make sure nobody tampered with it. Maybe I'm the nut.
Why do we enforce the rule of 'don't talk to strangers' if we don't really mean it? No wonder kids don't ever believe what their parents say. I felt out of place, like I had to chat with those who seemed like they wanted to chat. It's more difficult with a small child, one you have to take to the door, who's not completely sure of the whole concept.
Phillip and I are more reserved in things like this. I'm sure that as Peyton gets older and Phillip and I are able to stay at the sidewalk and watch, that it might not be so bad. Granted, the feeling of begging will never really go away.
I hope that as the kids get older and are out doing their own thing that if trick-or-treaters come to our door times will have changed enough that stranger and poisoned candy and begging are no longer a worry. I know, it will never happen but...

originally posted October 2008

1st time Banana Bread

Thanksgiving prep was nuts! I made banana bread for the first time ever, on my own, without my mom’s help.

Yeah! She was proud when I told her.

Then she got a good laugh when I told her the details:

I’m bad at not gathering all my ingredients before I start trying to make something. I did well with the directions this time. I actually read them all in full before I started. Plus 1 for me!

I had all my wet ingredients in a bowl to be mixed together. I start putting the dry ingredients in another bowl when I realize in all my searching that I don’t have baking soda. I am not a baker know it all. I don’t know the baking soda’s purpose but I do know that if a recipe calls for it, you have to have it!

So I called my mother in law who lives in the travel trailer out back because I know she has some. She did have. She threw it out. Since Phillip was at work she came over to watch the kids for a few while I rushed to Dollar General to get some.

There I stand, in panic mode, in the baking isle searching every item, hoping I somehow overlooked the baking soda.

(Dollar General is only 3 minutes from the house but WalMart is the next closest and it’s 15 minutes and it’s 8pm.) I really didn’t want to have to go to WalMart that night.

I found a store person and they got the manager to come help me. It was no where near the baking stuff. It was over by all the car and room deodorizers. Just stupid!

I get home and finally get back to my baking. I measure the flour (which I was gonna buy more of while I was at the store 5 minutes ago) and I’m a half a cup short. Yeah. I call the mother in law (again) and borrow from her. Back in the kitchen, I get stuff mixed together and the pans sprayed and the batter poured and put in the oven. Relief! On to the next thing....

I start putting away everything when I notice that the box of baking soda (that I just bought) isn’t even opened. Oh goodie! Now I have to pull out the pans, dump the batter back into the bowl and hope like hell it comes out right when I’m done. Curses curses curses!

During this fiasco, my 7-year old is sitting at the table, watching me, shaking her head. I tell her to pay no attention to me because, believe it or not, this is not how this is supposed to be done. She giggles and tells me I'm weird.

Another thing I know about baking soda is that it’s important to mix it in the dry ingredients to make sure it’s evenly distributed.

So, I dash the baking soda on top of the already mixed batter and use the mixer for what seems like forever. I want to make sure that it all gets mixed in really good.

I re-spray the pans and re-pour the batter and back into the oven they go.

I can only hope and pray that in 1 hour they won’t taste like road kill.

Luckily, success!

Oh so moist (1/2 cup extra bananas). Oh so yummy!

Oh so lucky!

Next year I'll make sure to have all necessary ingredients first. That's the plan, anyway.

originally posted FRIDAY, DECEMBER 5, 2008

Before I Was A Mom

12-5-08

One of my favorite emails. It's right into what I feel. I even added a few of my own. Things never really seemed so important until I became a mom. 

My life changed and I must say it was for the better. There is no real joy like that of your own child’s smile or giggle.

Before I was a Mom I never tripped over toys or sang lullabies

I never thought about immunizations

I had never been puked on - Pooped on - Chewed on - Peed on

I had complete control of my mind and my thoughts

I slept all night

I never held down a screaming child so doctors could do tests or give shots

I never looked into teary eyes and cried

I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin

I never thought a weed from the front yard could be such a beautiful flower

I never knew that crayon scribbles would be the most beautiful drawings in the world

I never sat up late hours at night watching a baby sleep

I never held a sleeping baby just because I didn't want to put him down

I never felt my heart break into a million pieces when I couldn't stop the hurt

I never knew that something so small could affect my life so much

I never knew that I could love someone so much

I didn't know the feeling of having my heart outside my body

I didn't know how special it could feel to feed a hungry baby

I didn't really understand that bond between a mother and her child

I didn't know that something so small could make me feel so important and happy

I had never gotten up in the middle of the night every 10 minutes to make sure all was okay

I had never known the warmth, the joy, the love, the heartache, the wonderment or the satisfaction of being a Mom

I never knew that hearing the word 'Mama' for the first time would make me cry

I didn't know I was capable of feeling so much

I never knew I would love being a Mom

A Wintery Feeling

Tis The Season

I shiver as I stand outside

trying to warm my outsides by sipping alertness from my cup

In the distance a sliver of peachy-pink from the morning sun

peeks up over a far away hilltop

Closer, barren trees have thrown their shelter of leaves to the ground

to let them dance away in the piercing chill of the wind

Lights blink on nearby rooftops

as if to say Good Morning to the drivers-by

while busses stop to pick up bundles of children eagerly waiting

for the wishes they sent to Santa to magically appear under the tree

The hope of a better tomorrow weighs heavily on the hearts of parents

knowing the smell of the holiday season is in the air

originally posted MONDAY, DECEMBER 8, 2008

oh J-O-Y

It is beyond me how people can be so selfish. Or just downright mean. Rude. Hateful. Towards their own family who are near to comfort them.
I have no business being in the van (that isn't even used) or near it in any way (even tho it's right next to our car). Never mind the fact that I was going to talk to her about buying it, which would help her out financially. She not loaning out one of the scarves she made either, even thou it would be a nice gesture to wear to her husband's (my grandpa's) funeral. I just wanted a pop of color to go with my all depressing black and I like her scarves. I don't want to steal it. But she'll let me write all her thank you cards for her.
I know it sounds like trivial things but when you take a million+ trivial things and add them up over the years it becomes one insult after another. Just pings you down another notch.
It's hard enough to be here without Papa here in the house to listen to or talk to that she has to be that way for no reason other than to be the only selfish way she know's how to be.

Uhm, Remember me??

I am a horrible long distance family member & friend. How can I so easily no call or write? I swear to  myself all the time....I also tell my self that I will change and do better but I don't.
I'm not afraid of anything. I don't think. I am not really a talker altho Husband says I am. I prefer quiet. Preferring quiet can't be the reason I don't at least write to people. Shit I'm horrible!

I AM SO NOT DONE ON THIS TOPIC

Traitor uterus & ovaries!

I was wandering around Facebook and came across http://pinwheelsandpoppies.wordpress.com/2013/04/22/lesions-and-masses-and-nodules-oh-my/#comment-598
She is going through a lot of worry and anxiety about a kidney diagnosis, or 'not diagnosis' since they really don't know yet.
I've been running through what I'm feeling, trying to get a grasp, and she really opened things up for me. My best wishes of a hopeful diagnosis is sent across the miles.
I've had abdominal issues since my 1st c-section in 2001 and the VA/Army/civilian docs have passed me around, not really sending me to anyone of any help.
I found one GYN that said he felt a large mass of scar tissue that was built up around & attached to my ovary. He used 3 of his fingers (they were very large) to indicate the size. He wanted to remove it to help the pain. He also said that my uterus was sitting in there all ( when it should be in there like ) and since 2004 no one else wants to acknowledge that it's in there wrong. What the hell??
Now the GYN/surgeon from a different VA says he "can go in and look around and get all the bad stuff out" and he's "pretty sure it's not cancer and we shouldn't need a full hysterectomy but we won't know until we get in there." Thank you. I feel much better.    
Oh, wait....no I don't.
I'm a huge worrier about everything and Husband tells me all the time to stop worrying, like it's something I can just turn off. Believe me, if I could, I would.
I haven't cried over all of this yet unless you count the doubling over in pain from the random shooting streaks of lightning that I swear are running through me. In all of my horrible worry my IBS is so flared up that there's almost no point in even eating. I'm just wasting food. In & right back out again.
I haven't told Husband I'm worried about all this because there is so much else on his plate right now that I don't want to add to it. He will be mad when he finds out I hid how I feeling but it's for his own good for now. He wouldn't tell me to stop worrying if he knew this now. He would tell me that every thing will be fine and he's sure it'll won't be anything major and this mini procedure will take care of everything.
See, no need to bug him.
I hate surgery. It's scary. What's worse? Then anesthesia and the needle that goes in your back. I don't know as of yet if that's how I'll get my anesthesia or not but it freaks me out to no end to not know! The 1st kid was an emergency c-section on an Army base & they were jacked the hell up in the first place so I had no faith in them. . The feeling I get in my body with that running through it makes me want to yomit. Yes, yomit with a Y...because it's worse than regular vomit. The 2nd was planned so I had time in advance to worry & be sick.
I can still, to this day, feel the spot where the needle went in my back and out into my body and I get chills like people say they feel when a ghost walks through them. Just creepy.
I haven't told my mom either. Does that make me a bad daughter? She's like 4 states away & worries just as much as I do, if not more since I'm her child and it wouldn't do either of us any good. I will tell her after & Doc calls with results.

The 15th of May for the laparoscopy is still a long way away.

ever lasting gobstopper

Ha! you thought i was talking about the wonka candy. nope. everyone knows about the wonka candy. i don't need to tell you about something you already know about. that's just silly.
Laundry is the gobstopper of all things that are not candy.
remember the line in the wonka movie with johnny depp?

Willy Wonka: Theses are everlasting gobstoppers. They're for children who are given very little allowance money. You can suck on it all year, and it'll never get any smaller. Ha-ha. Isn't that neat?
Violet: It's like gum.
Willy Wonka: No. Gum is for chewing. And if you tried chewing one of these gobstoppers, you'd break all your little teeth off. But they sure do taste terrific.

Laundry is like that. everlasting except no one wants to use their allowance money to have anything to do with it. they want mom to do it. you can do it all day long & it never gets any smaller. it's not neat at all though. the pile is like rabbits humping. it just keeps multiplying. if you try to do it you'd break your little arms.

rantin'. ravin'. bitchin'. moanin'.

wanting to scream. 

there is so much to do and it seems as if things have gone on forever in this house. i can see it getting done but the mess is messing with me. where do you start when you're renovating & living in it at the same time? tall child is miserable because we use her rooms for storage as well. she really is getting an attitude lately. walking around huffing at everything she is told to do. sometimes i want to smoosh her. ok, most of the time. 

short child is trying my patience. everything she does is a button push to see how far she can go. did i mention i have no patience? for her trying it or for much else lately. 

i'm 38 and feel as if i'm going through pre-menopause. hot & cold & bitchy & crying and hate you & love you. it's yuck. i don't care for it, whatever it is.

maybe it's not enough meds?

my mil says i need to change my meds. what the hell does she know? she hasn't been on the right ones in the 13 years i've known her. she drives me up the wall with her 'you need to fix you, i'm fine' attitude. she also has the 'my life is horrible and poor me but i won't do anything about it' attitude. ugh. i want to smoosh her too.